Dreams and Epiphany

- An Epiphany -

A few days ago, BC and I were heading home from the final appointment in a string of medical visits for the day.  Needing to run one errand, he stopped the car in a busy parking lot and left me to rest inside.  I sat, leaned back, the sky a flat mottled white, already feeling the effects of medications taking their toll, which is to say, not fabulous.  All around me people bustled to and from their cars, heads bend under the falling mists, every demographic in play.  I watched them first with a sense of mild curiosity, then with a deepening sense of compassion  How many looked "perfectly fine, perfectly healthy," much the way I might appear sitting and waiting, but were enmeshed in their own struggles for life?  How many others had cried through a melt-down earlier that morning, how many others felt the sting of fear in their chests, how many others were carrying around pain in their bones?  And then, how many felt such an extraordinary outpouring of support from friends near and far?  How many others had such resources as medical care, hot meals, willing ears to listen?  How many felt truly lifted by love on the days when the sword is so very heavy and one can barely raise one's arms?

And it here it struck me: Even in hardship, even in life-threatening illness, even in fear and anxiety, I am so remarkably blessed.  All those other people may have looked perfectly fine from the outside, but I'm not interested in switching my life with a single other soul.  This is my wild and blessed life.  There are battles to be fought, and mountains to climb, but I dearly love THIS life, MY life.  I'm here to live it, no trades necessary.

* * *

- A Dream -

[prologue: Sunday evening a dear friend arranged an online event, a virtual gathering for healing, for my healing.  It was one of the most magical experiences of my life]

I was walking through the forest with a soul sister.  The sky was blacker than ink, the trees dark and impossibly dense.  It was quiet in the way of the forest, which is not to say silent, but full of breathing, beating heart of the living.  I could not see anyone, anything, through the boughs, but felt on my skin that the woods were full.  

Our trail was slightly raised, and along either side, stretched as far as the eye could see, tiny altars were laid upon the ground.  Each one held candles burning bright so that the whole of our path glimmered with firelight, winding away through the woods.  I walked slowly, looking at each small sacred space, breathing deeply an air that was scented with sweet smudge smoke: cedar, sage, pine and grass.

At some point I became aware that I could see my own bones, right through the skin, muscle, ligaments.  They began glowing with a soft golden light, first my fingertips, then my toes, then rushing up fibulas and femurs, up humerus and clavicles.  Soon every bone in my body was illuminated, shining golden and bright, clean, healthy and strong.  It was a healing, it was an illuminated path, it was more than a dream in the way our nighttime journeys sometimes are.

* * *

There is deep work happening here.

All my love, all my thanks, all my heart to you.  Your outpouring of support, through comments left here, emails and messages, love and prayers has found its mark; there are no words large enough to express my thanks to you.  YOU have been the force carrying me through the hard days, the force standing shoulder to shoulder on the good ones.  Namasté my huge hearted friends,

- Umber

p.s. For those who have asked and offered so many different types of support, we have set up a GoFundMe page right here.  If you feel the stirring of soul to join with me, be it a prayer or healing thought, a word of encouragement or and offering of financial support, know that I am eternally grateful.  From the tip of my toes to the whole of my heart.